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newby
16th January 2003, 20:32
well ive done a search on navy jokes and this is wat i got, enjoy reading!

Misunderstanding terms

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

(dont know about ye but i didnt die of luaghter, well il continue looking)

New Submarine Ensign


The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.

He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

(i definately didnt get that one)

likes this one..............

Speeding


Police officer pulls a Navy Chief over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Navy Chief Petty Officer: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Navy Chief: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Navy Chief: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Navy Chief: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Navy Chief: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Navy Chief: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Navy Chief: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Navy Chief: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Navy Chief: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove
box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Navy Chief: That lying Jerk ! I'll bet he said I was speeding, too.



WARNING to the Family and Friends of a Returning Sailor:

You will soon have your loved one home again. He has been living in an
extremely crude environment for quite some time and will require time
to adjust to his former lifestyle.

The key to help him through this difficulty is PATIENCE.

Remain calm if he mixes his mashes potatoes with his chocolate pudding,
stirs his coffee with his finger, or eats as though someone was going to
steal his food.

Bear with him if he walks out to the back patio and throws the trash
over the railing into the backyard.

Do not be alarmed when he walks through a door and ducks his head and
raises his feet, because it's not a neurotic condition. It's just the way he
has been walking for the past 6 months.

Show no surprise if he accuses the grocer of being a thief, argues with
the sales clerk about the price of each item, or tries to sell cigarettes
to the newsboy on the sly.

Most important of all:

His digestive tract will also require some adjustment.

For the first week, all vegetables must be boiled until they are
colorless and falling apart (after they have been sitting out in the hot sun for
at least a week prior to his getting home).

Eggs must be tinged with a shade of green and be runny, bacon nearly
raw and all other meats must be extremely well done.

Have beef for the first five or six days, calling it roast beef the
first night, braised beef the second, beef tips the third, beef stew the
fourth, ect.

If milk is served, it should be at room temperature and slightly
diluted with water.

If he prefers to eat his meals while sitting next to the trash can,
don't be concerned. He's grown so used to the smell that it may take a while for
his normal tastes to return.

In the evenings, turn off all air-conditioning, open all windows and
let in as many bugs as possible.

Let him sleep on the floor in the laundry room with the dirty clothes
because he's so used to the smell.

For the first few nights, wake him every three or four hours. Tell him
he's late for the night watch in the backyard. He'll understand because he's
been doing something just as stupid for the past six months.

Under no circumstances should he be allowed to get a complete nights
sleep during the critical adjustment time.

His daily routine may seem strange to you, especially when he wakes
everyone up at six in the morning screaming "Reville-Reville, all hands heave
out and trice up!" Just smile and nod and make sure everyone is up and on the
back porch at seven for muster, instruction and inspection.

Then, in the late afternoon, humor him when he walks around the house
closing all the windows and doors and reports to you that yoke is set
throughout the house.

After sundown, don't argue with him when he yells at you for opening up
the window blinds while darken house is set.

His language may seem foreign and you may not understand all the terms
he uses. It isn't necessary that you do. Just smile and be pleasant. Some
of the terms you may hear are: Turn-to, Sweepers-Sweepers, Men working aloft,
This is a drill, Wog, Beer-thirty, ect.

Do not be surprised when he answers the phone and instead of saying
"Hello," he says: the room he's in, his rank and name. For example, Living Room,
"You Fill In The Blank" speaking, this is a non-secured line subject to
monitoring, how may I help you Sir?

NEVER make favorable references to the Navy leadership structure. To do
so will almost always illicit an extremely loud and profane outburst which
may continue for hours.

The bathroom is quite possibly the most dangerous place in the house
for your USS __________ returnee. Before he arrives, strip the bathroom
of all accessories such, bathmats and any and all toiletry items.
Crack the mirror and run water on the floor. Toilet paper is optional,
but if it is furnished, it must be placed in a puddle on the floor. Turn off
the hot water at the source for the first few days. Wait until he is in the
shower, soaped up and then turn the water off altogether for about 15 minutes.
All of these precautions are imperative, because if he walks into a bathroom
which is complete with the above mentioned items, he may shrink into a corner
and curl up into a fetal position, wide-eyed and shaking. If this happens,
there are only two proven and accepted methods of snapping him out of it;
yell "Mail-Call or Liberty-Call." In either case, stay clear of the doorway.

In closing, always remember that beneath that suntanned shell there
beats a heart of gold, it being the only thing the Navy couldn't confiscate or
reschedule at a later date. With kindness, patience and the occasional
swift kick, your loved one will soon return to his former self.

(okay i didnt even read this one, a joke this long cant be even funny, the joke is who ever spent there time reading it)

Goldie fish
16th January 2003, 21:57
I dont know..i'm laughing my ass off here..I remember a similar one about adjusting from Navy life included running all the plumbing and wiring externally..must dig it up!

Thanks for them..youll do well!:D

T.I.M.
17th January 2003, 00:29
seen the services terminoligy one before.... navy one is a bit long winded but funny all the same!:D

Goldie fish
17th January 2003, 04:37
Apologies in advance for the length..Tis all true tho..
For 8 replace with "Eist le seo"
25 is a yank thing tho..

HOW TO SIMULATE LIFE IN THE NAVY



1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.

2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.

3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray."

4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.

8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".

9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.

10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at X-3053."

11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 3pm.

12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home...you can't leave until the next day you have duty.

13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.

14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).

15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.

16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lighted off."

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not. (Now sweepers, start your brooms, clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all shitcans over the fantail)

18. Repaint your entire house once a month.

19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

20.Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.

21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.

22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.

23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it "world travel."

27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.

28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.

29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.

30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone,and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. ("General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations")

31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.

32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.

33.When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.

34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty." When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Engineering-certification, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.

36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friend (cite para. 12) regardless of gender, suffer through PMS!

37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."

38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.

39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.

42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

43.Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.

44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a paint sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbors car. Ignore his complaints.

45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.

47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.

48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff you pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again.

50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.

51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.

52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."

53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of yours tove. Say ... to no one in particular "Stove manned and ready" Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in particular "stove secured." Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.

hptmurphy
21st January 2003, 15:47
Okay which of you has been spying on my house? No Idrive a nissan primera and not a panhard!

Its just all rumours .

Farel'
23rd May 2003, 19:09
up to the top

newby
24th May 2003, 17:31
C:\Documents and Settings\nicky\Desktop\irish_navy

irish navy's support to U.S:p